he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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