Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
