So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
