I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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