people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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