my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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