got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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