I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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