you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
