Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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