wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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