tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
