I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
