She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
