You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
