Where is the hickey?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
