She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
