you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
