i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
