I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
