I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
