Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
