so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
