I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
