NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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