I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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