I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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