he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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