im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
