I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
