she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
