I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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