And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
