is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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