Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
