If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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