My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
