my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
