He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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