I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If I die, sorry about rent.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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