Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
