i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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