i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
