And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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