Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
