I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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