This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
