My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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