I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
