Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
