we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
