Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
