its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
