just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
