everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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